Juror #5

Yes, that would be me. After winning the lottery yesterday (I was one of only 19 people sent home after 2 hours), I was "sat on a jury" today. And it might just be the most unrepresentative jury of all time--6 white mostly suburban women in their 20s and 40s. Ramsey County is pretty darn diverse, and they draw from voter, driver, and state ID records. So where are they hiding all the men and people of color?

Anyhoo, today we made it through jury selection and what I can only hope is half of the testimony. I would rate jury selection as fascinating, and your basic run-of-the-mill civil case proceedings as slightly more interesting than televised golf. I spent most of my time watching the judge, who has a terrible poker face. It's quite clear when she thinks an attorney is taking (or failing to object to) a stupid line of questioning or when she thinks a witness is a complete bozo. Plus there was much yawning and rubbing of her eyes (we're talking elbows on the desk, fingers stuffed behind glasses, vigorous rubbing).

I also spent about 30 minutes making a mental pro-con list on whether to make a bid for forewoman. I have visions of pulling a total 12 Angry Men.

Dear delegate

And so it begins, the long (long, long) political campaign season. Newspaper articles on major candidates have grown too numerous to ignore. Junk mail arrives at least once a week from would-be elected officials. At some point soon the TV commercials will reach even the political backwaters of Minnesota.

I'm sure I will have many more complaints along the way, but for now I have just one plea: check your grammar before sending me crap! Take for example the first sentence of a letter from Mike Ciresi for Senate:

There is a deep concern among Minnesotans about the course that our state and nation is taking.

Or the first sentence of a letter I received last season from Matt Entenza's campaign:

In the tradition of great Minnesota attorney generals...

(It would have been much less egregious if he was running for some other post.) So please, candidates, find an English teacher or a really nerdy friend to read your letters before you print a thousand copies.

A good time was had by all

(photo courtesy of wikipedia)

I love this place.

Health care = fun, redux

To top off my week of fun with health care, the mothership called on Friday.

Soft-voiced woman: "Um, ah, I'm looking for.....Abigoyle Read?

Me: This is she.

Woman: I'm calling on behalf of Dr. Bharucha at the Mayo Clinic...do you remember seeing him?

Me: (Wondering if this is a test) Yes, I was just there on Tuesday.

Woman: Well, he wants to make sure you got the breast imaging he recommended.

Me: Uh, he specializes in colon issues so I imagine he doesn't recommend much breast imaging. Also, he's not my actual doctor--he just conducted a colon procedure.

Woman: Oh, dear.

The Mothership

This week my colon went on vacation to the mothership of medicine. Mr. Colon saw lots of interesting people and places, and he’s quite tired from all the fun. He has some highlights and lowlights to share, but first to set the scene.

At the mothership, all of the staff look shiny and happy--from the surgeons right on down to the guy who wipes the floors. Speaking of the guy who wipes the floors, he and his other service colleagues wear vests and ties like the concierge at a fine hotel. In fact, the mothership resembles a fine hotel in most respects. The two buildings Mr. Colon visited each featured massive marble lobbies complete with multi-story windows, endless comfortable chairs, free wireless internet, grand pianos, and commissioned art. All paperwork is completed ahead of time and then scanned, so check-in is a breeze. Many patients receive pagers so they can roam while they wait for the doctor. The full-service ground transportation center helps thousands of slow-moving patients enter and exit the mothership effortlessly.

But anyway, back to highlights Mr. Colon’s trip:

• The aforementioned lobbies, especially the one with the calming fountain.
• Watching hundreds of senior citizens storm the doors of the main building when it opened at 6:30 am. Those old folks were moving fast despite all manner of physical ailments.
• When Mr. Colon crushed Mr. Balloon, and the resulting spike in pressure caused a computer system failure accompanied by 45 minutes of obnoxiously loud beeping (this counts as a highlight because it cut an 8-hour ordeal short by a good 30 minutes).
• Being forced to eat a gigantic thousand-calorie chocolate malt after fasting for a day and a half.
  
• Mr. Colon's moment of triumph when he learned that he functions just fine; he can blame everything on Ms. Confused Pelvic Muscle.

Of course there were some lowlights, too:

• Lying almost completely still for 6 hours, broken up only by medication that caused uncontrollable twitching and nausea.
• When the Thing We Do Not Speak Of inserted Mr. Balloon without any of the normal happy drugs (because Mr. Colon is lazy when he's high).
• One doctor, two residents, and one nurse all peering up Mr. Colon at the same time.
• When stupid host body cried inconsolably while the nice resident tried to take her medical history.
• (The pain that comes after) being forced to eat a gigantic thousand-calorie chocolate malt after fasting for a day and a half.

Health care = fun

I spent about an hour today navigating my health insurance pre-approval process. But that’s not the story. The story is: a few days ago my primary care clinic informed me that I am overdue for my regular Hemoglobin Alc test. Apparently this test is essential to the proper care of my diabetes, and I should set up an appointment immediately. Trouble is, I don’t have diabetes.

So, dutiful citizen that I am, I called the clinic just in case: (a) there is some other forgetful person in dire need of Hemoglobin Alc-checking, or (b) I have been tested for and diagnosed with diabetes without my knowledge. But I really called because of: (c) a really nerdy reason to be explained below.

I was passed around to four different people, until finally someone cared enough to look into it. She called me back to explain that I am overdue for an eye exam, so I should reread the letter because it was probably instructing me to make an eye appointment. Oh, yes, I am SURE I mistook the words, “biweekly Hemoglobin Alc test” for “annual eye exam.” They are so close.

Officially pissed off by that point, I launched into an explanation of why this is not just any old clerical error, but a significant issue that could affect their quality ratings and eventually the cost to patients like me. (Basically, a nonprofit rates health care quality based on indicators including diabetes treatment, specifically maintaining a Hemoglobin Alc less than 7.0%. Currently the state bases clinic cost levels (copays and deductibles) solely on cost, but will soon add quality ratings to the scale. Thus, if their testing compliance data is skewed by people who are not in fact diabetic, it could reduce their quality rating and increase my costs.)

As you might imagine, she was very uninterested in this explanation. Best health care system in the world, my ass.

Tidbits

Today the budget ladies continued our lunch tour of the capitol grounds memorials. While enjoying a cool breeze in the shade of the women's suffrage memorial, we were unceremoniously sprayed by pop-up lawn sprinklers. Controlled by a man who I swear could clearly see us sitting there. Thanks, buddy.

I was half-watching The Colbert Report a minute ago, and he started a bit with, "We're in the 7th year of President Bush's term..." Holy shit. And people wonder why the world is going to hell in a handbasket? It should be pretty darn obvious why. To those who said in the face of doomsday predictions before he was elected, "it's not like he could really ruin the world" I say, "told you so."

While on the way to an office party in Vadnais Heights, I off-roaded it through Shoreview to avoid some horrendous traffic. Turns out Shoreview is really pretty. Who knew? Good thing it's nice because given the traffic on 694 I'm guessing those folks can't get out much.

We all know I have trouble accomplishing things that normal people do all the time without any thought, like sleeping, cooking, folding laundry, and pooping. Well, I would like to report that last night I accomplished, two, count 'em, TWO of these feats. I cooked that chicken curry rice salad for the office party AND slept 7 hours. However, I left my clean laundry in a semi-folded pile on my dresser and the intestines are having a bad week. But half isn't too shabby.