The Mothership

This week my colon went on vacation to the mothership of medicine. Mr. Colon saw lots of interesting people and places, and he’s quite tired from all the fun. He has some highlights and lowlights to share, but first to set the scene.

At the mothership, all of the staff look shiny and happy--from the surgeons right on down to the guy who wipes the floors. Speaking of the guy who wipes the floors, he and his other service colleagues wear vests and ties like the concierge at a fine hotel. In fact, the mothership resembles a fine hotel in most respects. The two buildings Mr. Colon visited each featured massive marble lobbies complete with multi-story windows, endless comfortable chairs, free wireless internet, grand pianos, and commissioned art. All paperwork is completed ahead of time and then scanned, so check-in is a breeze. Many patients receive pagers so they can roam while they wait for the doctor. The full-service ground transportation center helps thousands of slow-moving patients enter and exit the mothership effortlessly.

But anyway, back to highlights Mr. Colon’s trip:

• The aforementioned lobbies, especially the one with the calming fountain.
• Watching hundreds of senior citizens storm the doors of the main building when it opened at 6:30 am. Those old folks were moving fast despite all manner of physical ailments.
• When Mr. Colon crushed Mr. Balloon, and the resulting spike in pressure caused a computer system failure accompanied by 45 minutes of obnoxiously loud beeping (this counts as a highlight because it cut an 8-hour ordeal short by a good 30 minutes).
• Being forced to eat a gigantic thousand-calorie chocolate malt after fasting for a day and a half.
  
• Mr. Colon's moment of triumph when he learned that he functions just fine; he can blame everything on Ms. Confused Pelvic Muscle.

Of course there were some lowlights, too:

• Lying almost completely still for 6 hours, broken up only by medication that caused uncontrollable twitching and nausea.
• When the Thing We Do Not Speak Of inserted Mr. Balloon without any of the normal happy drugs (because Mr. Colon is lazy when he's high).
• One doctor, two residents, and one nurse all peering up Mr. Colon at the same time.
• When stupid host body cried inconsolably while the nice resident tried to take her medical history.
• (The pain that comes after) being forced to eat a gigantic thousand-calorie chocolate malt after fasting for a day and a half.

Health care = fun

I spent about an hour today navigating my health insurance pre-approval process. But that’s not the story. The story is: a few days ago my primary care clinic informed me that I am overdue for my regular Hemoglobin Alc test. Apparently this test is essential to the proper care of my diabetes, and I should set up an appointment immediately. Trouble is, I don’t have diabetes.

So, dutiful citizen that I am, I called the clinic just in case: (a) there is some other forgetful person in dire need of Hemoglobin Alc-checking, or (b) I have been tested for and diagnosed with diabetes without my knowledge. But I really called because of: (c) a really nerdy reason to be explained below.

I was passed around to four different people, until finally someone cared enough to look into it. She called me back to explain that I am overdue for an eye exam, so I should reread the letter because it was probably instructing me to make an eye appointment. Oh, yes, I am SURE I mistook the words, “biweekly Hemoglobin Alc test” for “annual eye exam.” They are so close.

Officially pissed off by that point, I launched into an explanation of why this is not just any old clerical error, but a significant issue that could affect their quality ratings and eventually the cost to patients like me. (Basically, a nonprofit rates health care quality based on indicators including diabetes treatment, specifically maintaining a Hemoglobin Alc less than 7.0%. Currently the state bases clinic cost levels (copays and deductibles) solely on cost, but will soon add quality ratings to the scale. Thus, if their testing compliance data is skewed by people who are not in fact diabetic, it could reduce their quality rating and increase my costs.)

As you might imagine, she was very uninterested in this explanation. Best health care system in the world, my ass.

Tidbits

Today the budget ladies continued our lunch tour of the capitol grounds memorials. While enjoying a cool breeze in the shade of the women's suffrage memorial, we were unceremoniously sprayed by pop-up lawn sprinklers. Controlled by a man who I swear could clearly see us sitting there. Thanks, buddy.

I was half-watching The Colbert Report a minute ago, and he started a bit with, "We're in the 7th year of President Bush's term..." Holy shit. And people wonder why the world is going to hell in a handbasket? It should be pretty darn obvious why. To those who said in the face of doomsday predictions before he was elected, "it's not like he could really ruin the world" I say, "told you so."

While on the way to an office party in Vadnais Heights, I off-roaded it through Shoreview to avoid some horrendous traffic. Turns out Shoreview is really pretty. Who knew? Good thing it's nice because given the traffic on 694 I'm guessing those folks can't get out much.

We all know I have trouble accomplishing things that normal people do all the time without any thought, like sleeping, cooking, folding laundry, and pooping. Well, I would like to report that last night I accomplished, two, count 'em, TWO of these feats. I cooked that chicken curry rice salad for the office party AND slept 7 hours. However, I left my clean laundry in a semi-folded pile on my dresser and the intestines are having a bad week. But half isn't too shabby.

It's like crack

I learned from a favorite blog that a friend may apply to participate in the Washington Post Magazine feature Date Lab. You have to check out the archives. Seriously, it's like crack. (Well, not the most addictive form of crack served up exclusively by HGTV, but really close.)

Actually made me miss DC for a moment. Don't worry, it passed.

Shout out: Bumper stickers

I love bumper stickers. It's so great when a particularly witty one makes me chuckle. Today I saw a sticker that read:

Stop Stealing!
The government doesn't like competition.

I happen to believe taxation supports important government services (like, say, fine budget analysis from yours truly, or high quality teaching at certain area high schools). But that bumper sticker is still damn funny. Two other favorites (both seen frequently around the Mac-Groveland neighborhood):

Abstinence Only
No Bush, No Dick in '04

and

Jesus doesn't love you.
And neither do I.

See, I'm chuckling right now.

"Better a bleeding heart than none at all"

I saw that on a bumper sticker recently (next to an Ole decal). For my fellow Mac-ites and other interested parties, here is a Katherine Kersten rant about the alma. I actually agree with her basic premise (it really would be helpful if conservative viewpoints were included in the debate over there), but find it poorly argued and rather hypocritical coming from someone who was hired solely to write a politically one-sided column.

I particularly enjoyed:

• Basing the "good old days" reference on one 60 year-old guy's memory of an event that took place over 40 years ago
• The idea that an American studies department that focuses ("overwhelmingly") on race, gender and ethnic minorities is closed-minded (I'm sorry, has she read standard history texts? It's not like people are hurting for knowledge of white male political/war history).
• The whole sentence: "Religious holidays are still respected at Macalester, but the concept has expanded." Isn't that the definition of open-minded?
• Taking the president's comment, "We work hard to see that the college is a safe place for all reasonable points of view to be expressed" to mean he does not value greater intellectual diversity.

She tried to argue the "Macalester is too closed-minded" point, but really only had support for the unspoken "Macalester is an easy target because it affirms everything I'm paid to write against" point. Anyway, it's too bad she so thoroughly distorted this Peterson guy's valid case for improving academics by promoting intellectual diversity.