Poop stories

In honor of my colonoscopy on Monday, I will share today's crop of poop stories.

(1) Several people brought their children to work today. It's a good time to visit budgetland because there's all sorts of interesting stuff going on. One little girl (4ish?) got to accompany her dad to a briefing at the governor's office for one of his policy advisers. For most of the meeting she colored quietly in the corner, but shortly before the end she started whispering, "psst....Daddy!" Each time, he asked her to wait quietly just a few more minutes. Undaunted, she eventually shouted as loud as she could, "But Daddy, I have to POOP right now!" She had good timing, though, because on the way out they ran into the governor and took a picture with him.

(2) While walking into Walgreens this afternoon to purchase NuLYTELY (nasty liquid that empties your intestines), I saw a bumper sticker that read, "I'm driving fast because I have to POOP!" I am not shitting you (hah!)--and I immediately thought how appropriate that sticker would be for several of my friends.

(3) And finally, today's Strib has a front page story titled, "Restroom law would help open the doors in a hurry." While I was watching the House floor debate on the smoking ban, apparently the Senate was working to ensure that bowel disease sufferers have guaranteed access to employee-only bathrooms. Thanks, guys--two bills in one day that would dramatically improve my quality of life. That might make up for stealing my evenings and weekends...or not.

Relationship development: pet names

So, my man is leaving for three weeks to drink beer in Germany (with some side trips to historical landmarks). I miss him already, and he hasn't even left yet--so here is a post he will enjoy.

He refers to everyone by nicknames--Playasaurus, Hummer, Poor Little Feller, etc. My nickname is Abber Dabber (which is someone else's fault). You'll note how unromantic this name is, especially because it reminds him of 'yabba dabba doo.' Some very unproductive time spent at work recently yielded this (emphasis and color are his):

Abber….Meet the Abber

She’s a modern state employee

From the town of St. Paul

She’s a page right out of history

Someday, maybe Abber wins the fight

And that bill will not get passed tonight

When you’re with the Abber,

Have an abber dabber doo time,

A dabber doo time,

we’ll have a dabber doo old time!

I am lazy (an homage to America)

I had an ambitious plan to go running through Como Park tonight--partly to check out a sign for condos that doesn't appear to be attached to any actual condos. I tried driving to the mysterious condos yesterday but found myself on a dead-end dirt alley (with no condos). So perhaps they can only be approached on foot? Or more likely, they do not exist and that sign was put there to mess with my head. But I digress...

As you might expect from the title, I did not carry out this ambitious plan. Instead, I came home, sat on my couch, and ordered a pizza for delivery. I even placed the order online using my credit card so I didn't have to get off the couch to search for my phone or to see how much cash is in my wallet (it's handy to have your credit card number memorized). Now I plan to watch Gilmore Girls and Pussycat Dolls: Search for the New Doll.

Nerd moment: On the Road

I have recently discovered a great piece of Americana--or whatever the Minnesota equivalent is--Minnecana? It is a show called On the Road, which profiles strange and unique things around Minnesota. Last week it featured "amazing kids," including a kindergarten boy who welds, an elementary school girl who drag races, and (my personal favorite) vacuum boy.

But the best part about the show is the weekly contest. You know you live in Minnesota when you can compete in something like this:

"Where's Hitch?" Each week we slip a shot of Jason's sidekick, Hitch, the 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS On the Road toad, into one story. If you can tell us correctly in which story he appeared (aside from the usual mention of the contest), you can enter our weekly e-mail contest for one of five 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS On the Road souvenirs. The winners will be drawn at random from the pool of correct e-mail answers received from our online e-mail form.

Tell me all about it

I swear there's one of those electronic billboards on my forehead. For women it says, "Tell me all about it, I care." For men it it scrolls to, "If you're a little bit odd, and tend to strike out with the ladies, then give me a shot."

Two examples from this week:

(1) I took my car in for an oil change at the usual place, where the two managers are always very good to me and like to chat me up. It must have been a long week or something, because they were even friendlier than usual. The senior manager (male) basically asked me out for happy hour, and the junior manager (female) recounted Anna Nicole Smith’s entire life story in painstaking detail. Needless to say I declined the invitation (although he’s “taking a rain check” and will “hold me to it”). For the A.N. Smith marathon I did a lot of smiling and nodding after earnest statements like “oh, she was always really crazy" and "it wasn't a real overdose because she had been taking those pills for awhile!"

(2) While stuck in a stairwell with several hundred other state employees during a tornado drill, I got to talking with one of the IT guys. We talk fairly often because we have some overlapping projects, but it took a somewhat strange turn when he related the tornado drill situation to his favorite movie and then the next day loaned me his (illegally burned) copy of said movie. The budget ladies believe he is single and making a move--similar to when he asked one of the other ladies to go on a bike ride. I haven't watched the movie or returned it. Mostly I'm avoiding the situation.

Spring is in the air...

...and kitty love is in full bloom. Jackson knows 'tis the season to find a mate. This year he is focusing his attention on the fake plant in my upstairs bathroom. Not the fake plant by the TV, and certainly not the fake plant in the downstairs bathroom. Oh, no, this one special little yellow-and-green baby has got his number.

Unfortunately, yellow fake plant does not return Jackson's affection. You can sense his growing frustration as the thrice-daily (or more) lovefests with the plant become more frenzied. He nuzzles the plant with his furry cheek, and showers her with sandpaper kisses, but still she does not break her stony (or, rather, cotton/polyester) silence!

(Seriously, he is not eating the fake plant, or even playing with it in any normal cat way. He truly seems to be making sweet love to this object.)

Good luck?

In honor of Maggie's new blog, I will recount our recent IM conversation.

Maggie: good luck sleeping

Abby: i am the only one i know who needs to be wished good luck

Abby: in regards to sleeping

Maggie: yeah, well

Welcome to the blogosphere Mags!
~

Nerd moment: history walking tours

Tonight after happy hour at Pizza Luce, Anne and I took a walk around Seward. In so doing, we discovered the Milwaukee Avenue Historic District. As if there wasn't already enough to love about Seward, it also contains this absolutely gorgeous 3 block long pedestrian mall with immaculately restored row houses. This pic stolen from the Minnesota Historical Society doesn't really do it justice so you'll have to take a look for yourself. According to MHS this is the earliest example of a planned workers' colony in the city. A Gather.com post explains the neighborhood was built before 1900 by the Milwaukee Railroad, and was nearly torn down in the 1970s, but residents and architecture buffs restored the area so it could be added to the National Register of Historic Places.

As for the nerd moment portion of this post, while digging for information on Milwaukee Avenue I found a website for summer walking tours hosted by the Minneapolis Heritage Preservation Commission. Looks like they run several a month starting in May. So, who's going a-walking with me this summer?

I mean, who has time for underhanded plots nowadays?

I am generally suspicious of conspiracy theories. I just find it hard to believe a true conspiracy can be pulled off—people in power must be too busy with their real jobs to manage the details of a complicated ruse, technology makes it nearly impossible to hide transactions (whether written, spoken, or financial), and the press (while not what they used to be) are still digging up whatever dirt they can.

So I’m having trouble with the brouhaha surrounding Rachel Paulose, the new U.S. attorney in Minnesota. If you follow the Strib/McClatchy logic, former U.S. Attorney Tom Heffelfinger saw the writing on the wall and resigned before a wave of firings, prompting AG Gonzales and the Justice Dept. Cronies (great name for a band no?) to appoint Ms. Paulose his replacement (although this was somewhat botched), and her management style, lack of qualification, and affiliations indicate that she is part of a larger plot to steal the 2008 election.

But I have to believe that as wrong-headed as their politics might be, the Bush puppets appointees at the U.S. Justice Department cannot be as stupid as recent events make them appear. More importantly, I cannot believe that Karl Rove is using these morons as pawns in a multi-front assault on the integrity of state management of federal elections so he can swing the vote in 2008.

What troubles me about the Paulose fiasco is this: if the Strib is getting even a fraction of the story right (and let's be honest, that could be generous to the Strib), it would seem that some kind of conspiracy is at work.

What the #$%@ is up with the USPS?

In honor of Anne's return to American soil, I had Chipotle for dinner today (sorry, man, I tried calling before I went). My local purveyor of burrito perfection is at the corner of Grand and Victoria. The trip gave me another opportunity to observe one of the stranger sights in St. Paul: a USPS mailbox painted like R2D2. Since this corner is also home to other budget ladies' fav lunch venues (Cafe Latte, Bread and Chocolate), I've had several chances to notice and be stymied by the box.

Tonight I finally decided to get to the bottom of this. I figured I'd go to the USPS website and dig around for awhile until I found the particular Star Wars-themed page that was mentioned on the box. Uh, no need to dig. Check this out: http://www.usps.com/. Does anyone else find it odd that they're tying ads for a supposedly futuristic movie series to the ultimate in outdated communication technology? Come on, George Lucas, you can do better than that.

NOT smarter than a 5th grader

I don’t need Fox to tell me that I’ve lost ground since 5^th grade. Kids intuitively know:

1. Working too hard = bad
2. Running around = good

But me, well, I have to be hit over the head by it every once in awhile to remember. Since the people who suck the life out of me are on spring break, I actually had the opportunity (read: got off my lazy ass) to visit Bally’s for the first time in a good long awhile. I never feel good while actually jumping up and down like a moron on a plastic plank, but that first step out into the fresh air after working out is just perfection. It’s really too bad you have to do the whole jumping around part to get the moment of perfection. Perhaps that’s why we invented illicit drugs. Not being much of a recreational user, I’m stuck with my plastic plank.

Pure genius

In honor of James' informative comment, I have a little poll for you:

Best Dr. Seuss book ever?
	Cat in the Hat
	Green Eggs and Ham
	The Lorax
	Fox in Sox
	Oh, the Places You'll Go
	Horton Hears a Who
pollcode.com free polls

Keep in mind there is only one right answer, and it is Fox in Sox. That book rocks. If you're not cool enough to realize it, or even recognize the excellence of the other books on this list, you can look at the full catalog and submit write-ins.

Did that happen?

I was driving west on County Road C about 6pm today when a pedestrian darted across the road. Yes, we all know that all manner of things jump out at or otherwise attack me while driving. In this case, the ped ran like a maniac across three lanes (which contained no vehicles) but then slowed to a walk in the fourth lane (occupied by my vehicle). I began the usual internal rant about obnoxious peds, until I got a closer look at this one. Although the rainy weather made it difficult to see, I swear the ped was a man dressed as a woman. But I'm not sure. It all happened pretty fast, but I have an image of teased hair blowing in a manner that makes me pretty sure it was a wig, seriously penciled eyebrows, and whole lot of makeup--but then some very manly jeans, and an indescribable coat--big, puffy white with some furry thing on top. What makes me think this was a figment of my imagination is the location. That stretch of road has a massive field on one side and a refinery on the other. There is no good reason for a person to be crossing the road there--cross-dressing or otherwise.

So I don't know if it really happened, but if it did, then I think that was officially the first cross-dressing man I have encountered. This struck me as incredible, given the variety in sexual preferences and lifestyles among my friends (and the several cross-dressing females I have met), but I think it might be true. Anyone else remember a time when I would have encountered a cross-dressing man? Maybe at the Lucy's Way Gay Cabaret? (There was that time when I wore a pink ribbon in my hair and a man struck up a conversation looking for...oh, wait, that was someone else).

Nerd moment: MPR

I am a public radio junkie. This is not news to people who know me. A prime example: the only time I have ever felt a yearning for an iPod was while listening to Marketplace this past Thursday. It’s a great show, but inconveniently aired at 6:30pm weeknights, which is one of the few times of day I do not listen to MPR. Luckily, technology and nerdiness have joined forces to bring me Marketplace podcasts, available anytime for my listening pleasure. Oh, if only I had one of those shiny white pioneers of portable media consumption so I could tune in to host Kai Ryssdal’s unique brand of pithy reporting about business and consumer news whenever my heart desires!

On a somewhat related note, people frequently criticize MPR for its corporate-america-style ability to make money and its somewhat shady connections to a variety of spin-off ventures. One night while availing myself of the all the free news and information on its website, I stumbled across a section detailing the MPR organizational structure. It describes the various arms of the Minnesota Public Radio-American Public Media empire, including a diagram showing lines of income and control. It’s interesting reading, and gives you a better appreciation for the power of Bill Kling’s invisible hand, guiding the strange and wonderful market that is ridiculously successful (quasi-)public radio.