The Mothership

This week my colon went on vacation to the mothership of medicine. Mr. Colon saw lots of interesting people and places, and he’s quite tired from all the fun. He has some highlights and lowlights to share, but first to set the scene.

At the mothership, all of the staff look shiny and happy--from the surgeons right on down to the guy who wipes the floors. Speaking of the guy who wipes the floors, he and his other service colleagues wear vests and ties like the concierge at a fine hotel. In fact, the mothership resembles a fine hotel in most respects. The two buildings Mr. Colon visited each featured massive marble lobbies complete with multi-story windows, endless comfortable chairs, free wireless internet, grand pianos, and commissioned art. All paperwork is completed ahead of time and then scanned, so check-in is a breeze. Many patients receive pagers so they can roam while they wait for the doctor. The full-service ground transportation center helps thousands of slow-moving patients enter and exit the mothership effortlessly.

But anyway, back to highlights Mr. Colon’s trip:

• The aforementioned lobbies, especially the one with the calming fountain.
• Watching hundreds of senior citizens storm the doors of the main building when it opened at 6:30 am. Those old folks were moving fast despite all manner of physical ailments.
• When Mr. Colon crushed Mr. Balloon, and the resulting spike in pressure caused a computer system failure accompanied by 45 minutes of obnoxiously loud beeping (this counts as a highlight because it cut an 8-hour ordeal short by a good 30 minutes).
• Being forced to eat a gigantic thousand-calorie chocolate malt after fasting for a day and a half.
  
• Mr. Colon's moment of triumph when he learned that he functions just fine; he can blame everything on Ms. Confused Pelvic Muscle.

Of course there were some lowlights, too:

• Lying almost completely still for 6 hours, broken up only by medication that caused uncontrollable twitching and nausea.
• When the Thing We Do Not Speak Of inserted Mr. Balloon without any of the normal happy drugs (because Mr. Colon is lazy when he's high).
• One doctor, two residents, and one nurse all peering up Mr. Colon at the same time.
• When stupid host body cried inconsolably while the nice resident tried to take her medical history.
• (The pain that comes after) being forced to eat a gigantic thousand-calorie chocolate malt after fasting for a day and a half.