Did I mention crazy people seek me out?

I visited the dumpster room this weekend--that dank, creepy place where trash chutes end and monsters go to die. As usual, I left the door wide open to the underground parking area beyond, just in case a dying monster decided to get smart with me. While I was breaking down a cardboard box, a car stopped in front of the door and a scraggly dude emerged.

Scraggly: "IS THERE A SMALLER BOX THAT WOULD FIT A BABY ALBINO SQUIRREL?"

Me: (rapid blinking, stunned silence)

Scraggly: "Here, hold this lid for me."

Without waiting for an answer, he dove head-first into the cardboard dumpster. I just managed to grab the lid before it crashed down on his ass (now at eye-level). After some rooting around, he climbed back out with a triumphant grin and a smallish white box. He chattered excitedly as he jumped in his car, but over the noise of the engine I could only make out snippets:

"...it got run over...right there in the middle of the road..."

"...wouldn't 'ave stopped for just any squirrel, but those albinos are like one in a thousand..."

"...think the Asians were having a funeral..."

"...can't remember if those are the good luck ones or the bad luck ones..."

"...anyway, they're just really special, you know..."

Since the only other exit was up the trash chute, I just stared back until he finally drove away. Overall I'd rate Scraggly as creepier than the guy on the No. 16 bus who repeatedly yelled, "Have you ever seen the blaspheming baby-rapist-whore of Minnesota?" and less creepy than the guy who tried to corner me in the tampon aisle at Cub.

Poetry bug?

I was crabby about the weather today. Crabby enough to whine to myself about it on the way to work. For some reason totally independent of Cyndy's post, I formed the whine into a haiku while I drove. Since Cyndy and Maggie have already shared their thoughts in haiku, I thought I'd mix it up with a cinquain:

Sneezing,
Big hair, damp cold,
Or worse, a moist hot day.
I really hate humidity,
A lot.

Fugly

I rest my case: The go-to blog on pop culture fashion criticism agrees that there is something strangely fascinating about the Pussycat Dolls (including the Search for the Next). I am not alone.

Seriously, if you were too lazy or uninterested to click the link above, here's another one. I've been spending way too much time there. I first noticed the site because it's linked on two unrelated blogs that I read regularly (the wonders of the blogosphere). So now I can hold two people I do not know (well, one I have met once or twice, the other never) responsible for all my time-wasting.

Deal or no deal

While we were enjoying our daily dose of deal or no deal, a colleague recalled a fitting quotation:

Good leadership is the ability to disappoint one's followers at a rate they can absorb.

I did a little googling but could not find the source. Much appreciation to anyone who can locate the actual quotation.

Crazy people seek me out

As requested by Anne, the weirdest email I received at a previous job. The Americorps supervisor had given a prospective member my contact information so he could ask questions about the program. I spoke with him briefly on the phone (which was also uncomfortable) and then he followed up with this email (I believe after he had already decided not to take the position). By the way, the supervisor was mortified and subsequently ended the practice of giving out current members' contact information.

Hey,
how are u doing?

I'm the guy that asked about Americorp, specifically how to survive on a very little amount of money.

Do you remember me?

I'm pretty good, but am tired.

I was wondering if you want to get together for coffee and chat, or do you want to go out to lunch or see a movie?

So, how old are u and where are u from?

I'm 29, from St.. Paul.

I graduated from Metropolitan State University, with a major in human services/family studies, and a minor in child psychology.

Well, I gotta go for now, so God bless you!!!

~ Mike :o)

I want to get to know u better, so please answer these questions.

Thanks and God bless you!

~ Mike :o)

> What is your favorite...
>
> Color?

Mine is blue.

> Season?

Mine is spring and summer.

> Holiday?

> mine is Christmas
>
> Activity to do?

> mine is being outdoors, enjoying God's creation!
Also, I like to paint landspaces with oil, acrylic, and watercolor.

> Feeling?

> mine is being loved!
>
> Dog (or cat)?

>> mine is schnauser (spelling ?)

> Movie or type of movie?

> mine is romance, comedy, and drama.
>
> Scripture passage?

> mine is Issiah where it says that those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength...

> Person or role model?

> mine is my mom, 'cause she's a wonderful woman, and I love her so much!!!

> Music?

> mine is classical, jazz, big band, praise and worship.
>
> Way to relax?

> mine is being in my sweatpants and t-shirt and watching a good show on TV.

Well,
that's all for now, so God bless u!

~ Mike :o)

Open letter

Dear Teamsters,

Thank you very much for the free lunch on the capitol lawn yesterday. The bratwurst and cake were delicious, and I learned a lot about the potential economic benefits of the proposed construction materials sales tax exemption for the Mall of America expansion.

Sincerely,
Abigail Emerson

Page A3

I don't read page A3 of the Strib much because it often features stories that have been beaten to death in other media (or are otherwise annoying). But I read it today, and have some thoughts to share.

Senate says no to drug imports (top story): I think federally-sanctioned drug "reimportation" is about the stupidest idea ever. And not just because people had to make up a word to describe it. So, leaders in other countries have the political will to reduce the cost of health care, including prescription drugs. Instead of endlessly debating an absurd plan to piggyback on the work of others, how about our political leaders devote energy to actually fixing the problem here? Perhaps efforts to change how we price and consume health care? Mayo has some ideas on achieving better quality at a lower cost. More of that, less of the absurd.

Astronomers awestruck by the most super supernova ever recorded (below the fold for obvious reasons): Ridiculous headline aside, articles about major scientific discoveries make me worry about how much our understanding of the world has changed since (for example) I slept through the astronomy unit in 8th grade science. Case in point: a few years ago two scientists won a Nobel for demonstrating that ulcers are caused by a certain bacterium rather than stress and coffee. Now, doesn't this seem like vital information--like it should be put on a billboard so that bunches of stressed out folks don't continue to be stressed out because they can't reduce the stress enough to get rid of a painful ulcer? Just like antivirus software provides periodic updates, I think each year the scientific community should produce a brief summary of all the discoveries that rendered obsolete a worldview shaped by grade-school science textbooks. Perhaps the December issue of Discover magazine could tackle this for me?

P. S. If you have a Strib handy, check out the great picture of the Queen looking askance at the Pres., also on page A3.

P. P. S. If you are unfamiliar with the ulcer discovery, check out the link. No one would believe them, so one swallowed some of the bacteria to prove it. Now that's worth a Nobel.

Not my job

Few people really understand what I do for a living. But the sender of this email wins:

I didn't know who to contact regarding this question. As a state employee, do I qualify for a discounted price on an Apple computer? If you aren't the person who deals with this, could you please let me know whom to contact? Thank you.

What boggles my mind is how she got my email address in the first place. To connect my name with technology takes about 8 clicks and a good bit of scrolling on our website (and on the way it should become obvious that's not what we do). I tried some logical Google searches and none yielded my name. Lucky for her, finding answers to obscure questions is part of my job, so I passed her on to the right people. But for those of you who are keeping track, my job has nothing to do with the subject of this email.

While on the topic of technology, I would like to promote some great shareware called CutePDF. After a quick, free download you can print to PDF from pretty much any word or data processing program. The output is a tad bit fuzzier than what you get from Adobe, but the price is right. It's the only shareware our IT folks let us use--so it must be the IT equivalent of kosher.

The best speed

I know it sounds crazy, but I think 40 is the best speed to drive. Not because there is anything inherently great about traveling 40 miles per hour, but because everything good about driving comes together at that speed. I submit:

Roads with 40 mph limits are usually curvy with interesting sights, otherwise they'd be 50 mph

40 mph roads have fewer stoplights than slower roads and less traffic than faster roads

40 mph roads typically have multiple lanes or passing zones so you can get around the slowpokes

You cover ground quickly at 40 mph, but not so fast you miss the scenery

You can test this theory on Minnetonka Boulevard, Energy Park Drive, and the 40 mph segments of Highway 95.

Eureka!

Friends, the quest has ended. The great wikipedia has found the male equivalent of nymphomaniac:

nymphomania (female) = satyriasis (male) = psychological disorder characterized by an overactive libido and an obsession with sex

Rest assured, they are no longer listed in the DSM-IV, seemingly replaced by the more politically correct and official-sounding:

hypersexuality = impairing need for frequent genital stimulation that, when achieved, does not result in long term emotional or sexual satisfaction

I also learned the definition of stock option from wikipedia this week. (I obviously had a general idea but it occurred to me I didn't fully understand the mechanics.) But there's nothing sexy about stock so I won't bore you with it here.

Week in pictures

On Monday, my colon had a photo shoot.








Over the next 2 days, I spent approximately 30 hours at work--mostly in the middle of the night and mostly sitting in this room.





Today the governor signed one of my bills, while vowing to veto the other.



Just now, Jackson puked up a stomach-full of kibble and then stood there looking rather proud of himself. I'll leave that one to your imagination.