Did I mention crazy people seek me out?
I visited the dumpster room this weekend--that dank, creepy place where trash chutes end and monsters go to die. As usual, I left the door wide open to the underground parking area beyond, just in case a dying monster decided to get smart with me. While I was breaking down a cardboard box, a car stopped in front of the door and a scraggly dude emerged.
Scraggly: "IS THERE A SMALLER BOX THAT WOULD FIT A BABY ALBINO SQUIRREL?"
Me: (rapid blinking, stunned silence)
Scraggly: "Here, hold this lid for me."
Without waiting for an answer, he dove head-first into the cardboard dumpster. I just managed to grab the lid before it crashed down on his ass (now at eye-level). After some rooting around, he climbed back out with a triumphant grin and a smallish white box. He chattered excitedly as he jumped in his car, but over the noise of the engine I could only make out snippets:
"...it got run over...right there in the middle of the road..."
"...wouldn't 'ave stopped for just any squirrel, but those albinos are like one in a thousand..."
"...think the Asians were having a funeral..."
"...can't remember if those are the good luck ones or the bad luck ones..."
"...anyway, they're just really special, you know..."
Since the only other exit was up the trash chute, I just stared back until he finally drove away. Overall I'd rate Scraggly as creepier than the guy on the No. 16 bus who repeatedly yelled, "Have you ever seen the blaspheming baby-rapist-whore of Minnesota?" and less creepy than the guy who tried to corner me in the tampon aisle at Cub.
7 comments:
Why do these things happen to you? That is hilarious.
It really is amazing that the crazies of the world seek you out...I mean, no one else I know has anywhere close to the number of weird experiences that you have been a part of. The best part is picturing you holding open the lid of the dumspter while this man crawls around inside.
It was better than I expected or anticipated, Abby.
I like the "one in a thousand" bit.
Honestly.
I would have let the dumpster lid slam down on his ass and I'm thinking that must be why the crazies approach you and not me. They can sense your humanitarian nature.
The guy who nearly jumped off the 3rd Ave overpass onto the hood of your car also deserves a mention.
Abby, I just told my roommate this story. I especially like:
"Me: (rapid blinking, stunned silence)"
Brillant. You're really great.
So was the squirrel ok?
I'm sorry, insert "dead" before "baby albino squirrel" in Scraggly's first statement.
If I was following him (a big IF), he was getting the box to bury the squirrel because albinos are special. But let's be honest, I really have no idea what was going on in this man's head.
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